Учите английский
с удовольствием
Анекдоты и смешные истории на английском языке хорошо помогают в развитии языковых навыков и просто улучшают настроение. Есть несколько минут свободного времени? Прочитайте веслую историю или смешной анекдот! Читайте анекдоты и шутки на английском языке регулярно, по 5-10 минут в день и Ваш уровень английского будет улучшаться. Смешные истории и анекдоты на английском языке хорошо использовать в качестве материала для проведения уроков английского языка - интересный материал повышает мотивацию учащихся, обостряет внимание, делает урок более живим и неформальным.
|
|
|
 |
Best Jokes in English
|
Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
|
|
Chemist's Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
|
|
Flying First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
|
|
Wife
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a hourse deal"
|
|
Potatoes
Newlywed wife to her husband:
"That is why I can't stand you - you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes."
|
|
Doctor
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."
"That is ver kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
|
|
Plain English
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
|
|
Drinking
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."
|
|
Drummer
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the courner and says, "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."
|
|
Still nothing
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
|
|
Cello
A young woman is taking cello lessons. She's not all that good and during a particularly lamentable practice session, her teacher can't stand it any more and says, "Lady, you've got between your legs an instrument that, if adequately caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and thousands of other people; and the only thing you seem to be able to do is to scratch and scratch it!"
|
|
Tuxedo
An eccentric lady was in need of a piano player for her upcoming party. She placed ads and spread the word but could not find a suitable one. A bum knocked on her door and when she saw the state of his condition, she answered, "Go away." He said, "Please, won't you just give me a chance, I'm a piano player." She was desperate so she let him in. After his performance, she couldn't believe her ears. "Wow! That sounded great, best I've heard in years. What was the name of that song?" The bum answered, "Oh, it's 'I Love Me Wife So Much I Took A Big Dump'." "Oh" she says, "How unusual, would you play another?" He proceeded to play another tune and again she was astounded by the performance. "That was fantastic" she said, "What was the name of that tune?" "That one is called 'I Took My Wife From Behind And Made A Mess All Over That Carpet'." "How unusual" she replied and said, "You've got the job, but please do me a favor and if anyone asks the names of your songs, please don't tell them. And do something about your clothes; you look terrible. Go and buy a tux for the party." The bum was happy about his new job and had never bought a tux before and wound up getting one that was three sizes too small. At the big party, the crowd was amazed at his performance once again. He bowed at the crowd back and forth and ripped out the whole rear end of his trousers. One lady stepped forward clapping and said, "Sir, you are a great piano player but do you know you have a hairy ass and your balls are hanging out?" With a smile, the bum replied, "Lady, know it? I wrote it!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
101 способ выучить английский
Следуя нашим рекомендациям, вы действительно сможете учиться быстрее. Попробуйте и убедитесь сами, что это работает!
читать заметку
Обучение английскому языку сотрудников компаний
Как же начать говорить по-английски с самого первого урока, и как добиться того, чтобы каждый учебный день приносил ощутимые результаты? Как в корне изменить ситуацию, если ни уроки английского в офисе собственной компании, ни обучение на курсах, ни даже индивидуальные занятия в офисе или дома не позволяют быстро повышать уровень владения английским языком, но превращаются в вялотекущее и малоэффективное занятие. Посмотрим, как ответили на эти вопросы сотрудники ведущих компаний ...
читать заметку
Деловой английский или английский язык для бизнеса
Английский язык для бизнеса - это не только деловой английский язык в контексте рабочих ситуаций. В первую очередь - это программы обучения, которые востребованы деловыми людьми из-за их высокой эффективности, позволяющей добиваться существенного роста языковых навыков в самые сжатые сроки. Целью данной заметки является показать, какие же именно программы обучения отвечают этим задачам и какие курсы английского языка можно отнести к категории "английский язык для бизнеса" ...
читать заметку
|
|
|
тел: (495) 772-4865, 504-8340
